A big effort to make it a happy birthday
生日意味着惊喜、聚会、兴奋过度的吹熄蛋糕上的蜡烛。生日也是对过去12个月中的失败——感受到的或者是真实的——做出补偿的一种方法。
I like birthday. I like fu, a grand geture. X can't undertand the fu. It' about upbringing, I think: hi parent unceremoniouly hand him omething – not even wrapped – at ome point within a few month of the date. I'm fairly ure they don't know when it i. For me, birthday mean urprie, partie, over-excited children blowing out candle on ponge cake. Like pencil mark on the wall, they are the backbone around which you hang family ritual. Birthday are alo a way to make up for the failing – perceived or real – of the pat 12 month.
We didn't have the tomach for the lat round. Aborbed in our own miery, X and I lumped the boy' birthday partie together, a wiftly expedited afternoon in a oft-play centre, a wi roll with candle. It' hardly the tuff of miery memoir, but it made me ad.
Now a year ha paed and birthday eaon i upon u, for the firt time a a eparated family. The boy' birthday are cloe together and it feel like a miletone; I want to do it right. On top of my normal birthday fixation, I know the lat week have been very hard for the children. I am carcely mother of the year at the moment: I have made no headway in trying to find a new job, which care me tupid, and am till bruied and hocked from the accident. My temper i hort and I cry a lot. I've een a naked look of worry in the eldet' eye and felt powerle to make it go away.WWw.hAOZUowEn.com
It' the younget' birthday firt. He take after hi father in thi: he' not really bothered. He like preent, of coure, but doen't have my – or hi brother' –need to turn the day into a Buby Berkeley muical with a firework finale. Even o, I am determined to do it properly, to crank out the old family ritual and create new one. He'll be at X' on the morning of hi birthday, mine in the evening. We've aid we'll have dinner together, agreed who hould get him which preent.
In preparation for the big day, I bring out the talwart Women' Weekly cake book and canva hi opinion. "So which cake would you like? A robot? A train? A pider? I don't think I'd be very good at the catle but I'll give it a try."
He deflate my ambition. "I jut want a plain quare one."
"Are you ure? That' eay. With weet on it?"
He pure hi lip in thought. "Ok." I think he' humouring me. I prod him further, and he chooe omething for hi birthday dinner, omething he ha every week. I rather admire how matter of fact he i. He' one of thoe children that ak for a calculator and a toothbruh for Chritma.
While he' at hi father', I make a quare cake. I neak hi age on to the top in Smartie, then make another for chool, with chocolate fudge icing. I wrap hi preent and write hi card. It' very quiet in the empty houe and I don't have to hide the cake in a cupboard, or iue dire "Don't come into my bedroom!" warning. There' no ene of anticipation, and I don't like it. It' even wore in the morning, the firt time in year I haven't been woken at five on a birthday morning by an over-excited child. I don't want to do thi again, I think, a I take the foil wrapped cake up the road to chool.
The evening i better. I collect the boy from chool and he open hi preent. Later, X come round and build ome Lego while I make the requeted boring dinner. We eat and then we light the candle, blow them out, take the obligatory picture. The younget i miling hi mall, careful mile in them. It feel like a birthday, at lat. We both need to be there, it turn out: after all, we both made him.
We'll know for next time.