On the thei, one may have doubt ince not all the memorie are weet. But I init that even the bad one can offer help. For intance, during my winter vacation in Junior, I lot a cell phone that I had ued for more than two year. That wa the day before the Spring Fetival, the mot important fetival for reunion in China. I wa in a good mood at that time becaue I wa going to hoot ome photo with my aunt. There were many people in the tore. 3I felt a little crowded. It wa the time when we were chooing the frame that my cell phone wa tolen. Too late did I realize the unfortunate fact. (营造记忆)
Afterward, whenever I wa in public, I paid extra attention to my peronal poeion uch a my pure and mp4. Therefore, I havent lot any other thing till now. I learned to be extremely careful from the horrible memory. (营造收获)
分析：
1 during强调延续性，in强调一段时间里发生了一件事。所以此处应该改成in.
2 文章采取倒叙手法，所以在2处感觉有一点奇怪，刚刚还是东西被盗，后来心情又好了。
3 不能是你觉得挤，只能是that place wa a little crowded
4 文章的深刻度不够，处于4-5分的水平，要拿更好的分数，还得在深刻性上下功夫。个人例子特别适合以情动人。
修改：
In my winter vacation in Junior, I went to hoot ome photo with my aunt ince the mot important fetival in China, namely, the Spring Fetival wa approaching. But the photo tudio wa full of people chooing clothe and making up. It wa in uch diorder that I lot my cell phone which I had ued for two year. Thi unhappy event almot ruined my once-in-a-year celebration for I could hardly contact my friend and my teacher to have a get-together becaue I had never backed up their phone number before. (营造悲惨记忆)[由wwW.HaoZuoWen.com整理]