Saturday, May 4, 2002 cloudy
Li Ming and I took part in a wilderne urvival program yeterday, and it ha been one of the mot unforgettable experience ince high chool.
The two of u were to reach the campite by the evening. We et out early in the morning, eager to face the adventure. I wa carring a camp and a compa in my bag, while Li Ming loaded hi with ome bread, matche, candle, a map, a knife, afirt-aid kit, a flahlight, and ome clothe. We followed the marked route until we reached a brook.. We had to wim acro it, floating our upplie on a piece of wood in order to keep them dry. What’ wore, we lot ight of the ign on the other ide of the brook! Thank to the campa, we finally arrived at the campite on time, and managed to make the camp and afire.
The two of u pent the night in the foret.
We learned to ue knowledge gained in clASSroom training to olve problem. It wa quite an experience for u both, which I’ll never forget for the ret of my life.
一、得分：24
点评：这是一份优秀作文，体现在如下几个方面;
1、文笔流畅，显示了作者扎实的基本功。当你读这篇小文时，你会觉得很舒服，不会产生厌倦的感觉;
2、要点齐全，能将提示中的各项要求很好地安排到作者写的小文中，而且还不流俗。一般同学在叙及所携带的物品时，贯用we took a lot of thing uch a…或He and I took…的方式。此文作者不然，他用了I wa carrying a camp and a compa in my bag, while Li Ming loaded hi with ome bread …这个一个并列句，令人耳目一新：[由wWw.HaozuoWen.com整理]
3、上下文衔接比较自然，这种自然表现在两个方面;一方面是作者写的内容间的衔接，另一方面是作者写的内容与原日记已给出部分的衔接。与上文的衔接，作者用了一个be to do…的形式，The two of u were to reach the compite by the evening. we et out early in the morning, eager to face the advenfure.与下文的衔接时，又用了这样一句and managed to make the camp and a fire, 短文之间的衔接随处可见。比如作者写道，We followed the marked route until we reached a brook. We had to wim a cro it …, … we lot ight of the ign on the other ide of the brook! Thank to the compa, we ….
4、短文能很好体现作者驾驭语言的能力，比如前边提到的be to do …句形，What’ more作为过渡句的处理，Thank to…的出现等;