A tory
I am going to tell a tory beteen my father and me which ha been in my heart for day.One day ,I wanted to go to the net bar bear my chool.But I have no money.How can I go there?I thougt and thougt. Suddenly I got an idea.I told a lie to my father for 50 yuan.He aid if the money i ued for my tudy ,he give me a much a he can. A oon a I got the money ,I ran to the net bar and pend all the money playing computer game. How time flie! Now I have been a tudent in Grade Three. When I think of it ,I feel orry for my father. I mut tudy hard intead of doing uch thing in order to be a good tudent. I am ure he will be proud of me in the future.
点评：
1文中“I wanted to go to the net bar bear my chool.”中的“bear ”应该为“near ”.2.“But I have no money.How can I go there?”因叙述过去的事，应采用一般过去时，故“have”应改为“had”,“can”应改为“could”,3.“He aid if the money i ued for my tudy ,he give me a much a he can. ”因此句为含有宾语从句的复合句，主句用一般过去时，从句也应用过去的某种时态，故“i”应改为“wa”,“give”应改为“would give”,“can”应改为“could”,4.“I ran to the net bar and pend all the money playing computer game. ”并列谓语“ran”,“pend”应时态一致，故“pend”应改为“pent”,WWw.hAOZUowEN.com
本文从整体上看语句连贯，意义完整，并且使用了较复杂的句子结构。文章最大的不足是使用时态时缺乏深入的思考，另外在最后一段第二句之后如再加一句：I come to realize that I did wrong in the pat .我认为效果更好一点。