作文题一： I memory a help or a hindrance in helping u learn from the pat and ucceed in the future?
学生习作1：
On the thei, one may have doubt ince not all the memorie are weet. But I init that even the bad one can offer help. For intance, during my winter vacation in Junior, I lot a cell phone that I had ued for more than two year. That wa the day before the Spring Fetival, the mot important fetival for reunion in China. I wa in a good mood at that time becaue I wa going to hoot ome photo with my aunt. There were many people in the tore. 3I felt a little crowded. It wa the time when we were chooing the frame that my cell phone wa tolen. Too late did I realize the unfortunate fact.
Afterward, whenever I wa in public, I paid extra attention to my peronal poeion uch a my pure and mp4. Therefore, I havent lot any other thing till now. I learned to be extremely careful from the horrible memory.
分析：
1 during强调延续性，in强调一段时间里发生了一件事。所以此处应该改成in.
2 文章采取倒叙手法，所以在2处感觉有一点奇怪，刚刚还是东西被盗，后来心情又好了。
3 不能是你觉得挤，只能是that place wa a little crowded
4 文章的深刻度不够，处于4-5分的水平，要拿更好的分数，还得在深刻性上下功夫。个人例子特别适合以情动人。[由www.hAozuowEn.com整理]