have you ever known a married couple that jut didnt eem a though they hould fit together -- yet they are both happy in the marriage, and you cant figure out why?
i know of one couple: he i a burly e-athlete who, in addition to being a ucceful aleman, coache little league, i active in hi rotary club and play golf every aturday with friend. meanwhile, hi wife i petite, quiet and a complete homebody. he doent even like to go out to dinner.
what myteriou force drive u into the arm of one peron, while puhing u away from another who might appear equally deirable to any unbiaed oberver?
of the many factor influencing our idea of the perfect mate, one of the mot telling, according to john money, profeor emeritu of medical pychology and pediatric at john hopkin univerity, i what he call our love map -- a group of meage encoded in our brain that decribe our like and dilike. it how our preference in hair and eye color, in voice, mell, body build. it alo record the kind of peronality that appeal to u, whether it the warm and friendly type or the h2, ilent type.
in hort, we fall for and purue thoe people who mot clearly fit our love map. and thi love map i largely determined in childhood. by age eight, the pattern for our ideal mate ha already begun to float around in our brain.
when i lecture, i often ak couple in the audience what drew them to their date or mate. anwer range from he h2 and independent and i go for redhead to i love hi ene of humor and that crooked mile, that what did it.WWw.hAOZuowEn.com
i believe what they ay. but i alo know that if i were to ak thoe ame men and women to decribe their mother, there would be many imilaritie between their ideal mate and their mom. ye, our mother -- the firt real love of our live -- write a ignificant portion of our love map.
when were little, our mother i the center of our attention, and we are the center of her. o our mother characteritic leave an indelible impreion, and we are forever after attracted to people with her facial feature, body type, peronality, even ene of humor. if our mother wa warm and giving, a adult we tend to be attracted to people who are warm and giving. if our mother wa h2 and even-tempered, we are going to be attracted to a fair-minded trength in our mate.
the mother ha an additional influence on her on: he not only give them clue to what they will find attractive in a mate, but alo affect how they feel about women in general. o if he i warm and nice, her on are going to think that the way women are. they will likely grow up warm and reponive lover and alo be cooperative around the houe.
converely, a mother who ha a depreive peronality, and i ometime friendly but then uddenly turn cold and rejecting, may raie a man who become a dance-away lover. becaue he been o cared about love from hi mother, he i afraid of commitment and may pull away from a girlfriend for thi reaon.
while the mother determine in large part what qualitie attract u in a mate, it the father -- the firt male in our live -- who influence how we relate to the oppoite e. father have an enormou effect on their children peronalitie and chance of marital happine.
jut a mother influence their on general feeling toward women, father influence their daughter general feeling about men. if a father lavihe praie on hi daughter and demontrate that he i a worthwhile peron, hell feel very good about herelf in relation to men. but if the father i cold, critical or abent, the daughter will tend to feel he not very lovable or attractive.
in addition, mot of u grow up with people of imilar ocial circumtance. we hang around with people in the ame town; our friend have about the ame educational background and career goal. we tend to be mot comfortable with thee people, and therefore we tend to link up with other whoe familie are often much like our own.
what about oppoite? are they really attracted to each other? ye and no. in many way we want a mirror image of ourelve. phyically attractive people, for eample, are uually drawn to a partner who equally attractive.
robert winch, a longtime ociology profeor at northwetern univerity, tated in hi reearch that our choice of a marriage partner involve a number of ocial imilaritie. but he alo maintained that we look for omeone with complementary need. a talker i attracted to omeone who like to liten, or an aggreive peronality may eek out a more paive partner.
it rather like the old, but perceptive, aying on the ubject of marriage that advie future partner to make ure that the hole in one head fit the bump in the other. or, a winch oberved, it the balancing out of ociological likenee and pychological difference that eem to point the way for the mot olid lifelong romance.
however, there are intance where people of different ocial background end up getting married and being etremely happy. i know of one man, a factory worker from a traditional irih family in chicago, who fell in love with an african american baptit. when they got married, their friend and relative predicted a quick failure. but 25 year later, the marriage i till h2.
it turn out that the woman wa like her mother-in-law -- a loving and caring peron, the type who roll up her leeve and volunteer to work at church or help out people in need. thi i the quality that her huband fell for, and it made color and religion and any other ocial factor irrelevant to him.
or a george burn, who wa jewih and married the irih catholic gracie allen, ued to ay: hi marriage wa hi favorite gig, even though it wa gracie who got all the laugh. the two of them did hare certain ocial imilaritie -- both grew up in the city, in large but poor familie. yet what really drew them together wa evident from the firt time they went ontage together. they complemented each other perfectly: he wa the traight man, and he delivered the punch line.
there are certainly uch odd couple who could carcely be happier. we all know ome drop-dead beautiful peron married to an unuually plain wallflower. thi i a trade-off ome call the equity theory.
when men and women poe a particular aet, uch a high intelligence, unuual beauty, a peronality that make other woon, or a hefty bankroll that ha the ame effect, ome decide to trade their aet for omeone ele h2 point. the raging beauty may trade her luter for the power and ecurity that come with big buck. the not-o-talented fellow from a good family may wap hi pedigree for a poor but brilliantly talented mate.
indeed, almot any combination can urvive and thrive. once, ome neighbor of mine topped by for a friendly ocial engagement. during the evening robert, a man in hi 50, uddenly blurted out, what would you ay if your daughter planned to marry omeone who ha a ponytail and inited on doing the cooking?
unle your daughter love cooking, i reponded, id ay he wa darn lucky.
eactly, hi wife agreed. it really your problem, robert -- that old macho thing rearing it head again. the point i, theyre in love.
i tried to reaure robert, pointing out that the young man their daughter had picked out eemed to be a relaed, nonjudgmental ort of peron -- a trait he hared with her own mother.
i there uch a thing a love at firt ight? why not? when people become love-truck, what happen in that intant i the couple probably dicover a unique omething they have in common. it could be omething a mundane a they both were reading the ame book or were born in the ame town. at the ame time they recognize ome trait in the other that complement their own peronality.
i happen to be one of thoe who were truck by the magic wand. on that fateful weekend, while i wa a ophomore at cornell univerity, i had a terrible cold and heitated to join my family on vacation in the catkill mountain. finally i decided anything would be better than itting alone in my dormitory room.
that night a i wa preparing to go to dinner, my iter ruhed up the tair and aid, when you walk into that dining room, youre going to meet the man youll marry.
i think i aid omething like buzz off! but my iter couldnt have been more right. i knew it from the moment i aw him, and the memory till give me gooe fleh. he wa a premed tudent, alo at cornell, who incidentally alo had a bad cold. i fell in love with milton the intant i met him.
milt and i were married for 39 year, until hi death in 1989. and all that time we eperienced a love that erich fromm called a feeling of fuion, of onene, even while we both continued to change, grow and fulfill our live.